Grocery Stores Mar 16

They hate me, and I hate them.

So I’m on my way to grab some food at Safeway from their deli after work. It’s fast, it’s cheap, and I love cafeteria like food.

I get to Safeway and find parking — cake, considering there’s a garage specifically for Safeway. So far so good.

I make my way towards the deli area to see no employee behind the deli. I wait in line and it takes me seven minutes before some worker shows up to help me (I time things – it’s what I do when I’m bored).

It takes the employee behind the counter another five to six minutes to get my order potato wedges and chicken tenders properly weighed, bagged up, and stamped with a price. He says, “Thanks!” I smile, reluctantly, and head to the cash registers.

Checkout time. I swear, if there ever existed a grocery store god, the dude is ready to pounce on me knowing that I’m heading to the cash registers. Of all the times I’ve gone to the grocery store in my life since college, I’ve probably picked a quick and fast lane about 5% of the time. The other 90% of the time, I’m stuck behind some dumbass who can’t count, doesn’t know how to work the credit card machine, signs up for a damn Safeway card when there’s five people behind them, has 37 items over the “15 Items or Less” limit, decides to bring out the coupon booklet after having 23 items scanned and the cashier is waiting for payment, or decides to pay with a check. The other 5% of the time, it’s split between a cashier that cannot work the register and a bagger that does not exist in the lane, forcing the already incompetent cashier to place two items at a time in a bag. Le Sigh.

Anyways, back to the story. I make my way to the cash registers and here’s my dilemma. I have two items in my hand – a bag of chicken tenders, and a bag of potato wedges. Obviously, I should head towards the two “15 Items or Less” lanes, right? I mean, the other lines are filled with people who are actually dare to have more than 15 items in their carts. I never have more than the limit to get into the speedy lanes. If I do, then I’m probably at Costco. Anyways, there’s two speedy lanes with “15 Items or Less.” So which do I choose? This is an easy decision right? Wrong. This is a critical decision that could affect the entire outcome of my whole trip. Do I take the lane with three people or the lane with five?

I choose the one with three people waiting, since last I checked, 3 < 5. As I head into the line, I notice that in the lady in the back of the other speedy lane is wearing a purple sweater. Anyways, I place my food onto the conveyor belt and space out looking at the tabloids. About five to six minutes fly by, and I happen to notice in the corner of my eye that the lady with the purple sweater is paying for her groceries! I slowly turn my head to the front of my lane. I’m not sure what the hell is going on, but dude in front of the line is taking one hell of a time to buy some effin’ ice cream.

Another few minutes go buy, and the line finally moves. Apparently ice cream dude had a bad credit card. Thanks for holding up the line jerkface. Thanks.

Anways, the next customer moves up, and guess what? She has about 26 items over the limit. My head is about explode at this point. The Cashier gets all of her stuff ringed up and tells her the total. Guess what happens now? That’s right, she pulls out her purse to find coupons. Seriously, couldn’t she have had them ready before she got in line? I mean during the time ice cream jerkface dude took to get out of the line, she could have just reached into her purse to grab the coupons before hand! Wouldn’t that be smart? YES! YES IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SMART! WHY DO YOU HURT ME GROCERY STORE GOD?! I can’t even space out anymore, I’m just too pissed. I look to the other lane, and everyone familiar is gone. Great.

Anyways, the 26-items-over-the-limit lady finally gets through the line. I’m up, and I’m already taking care of business with my debit card. I have it swiped, keyed with my pin number, and waiting for the total before the cashier can scan my two items. I click yes for the total, and bam. I’m done!

I then give the cashier my parking ticket to validate, and it comes back wet. double you tee efffff. Why the fuck should a dry ticket come back wet?!?! I’m too raged at this point to comprehend such a ridiculous event, so I take off. I get to the parking pay station and put my ticket in after attempting to dry it with my shirt. It goes in fine, tells me I owe nothing (good thing it actually validated), and tries to spit out the ticket but it gets stuck. I’m now reminded of a conversation I had with my friend about how pay stations that tell you to insert the ticket/credit card into the machine is a bad design due to the fact that tickets get stuck – great, huh?. double you teeee effffff. The grocery store god is in the damn pay station too? Motha Effer. Anyways, I hit the call button on the machine to get some human interaction with this poorly designed hardware. The dude on the other end tells me to pull up to the gate and he’ll let me out. I do so, and I make it out. SCORE! I’m all set!

This is normally where the story ends, but it doesn’t this time. On my way home I hit every … single … red … light. That’s right, there’s seven lights from my house to the Safeway. I hit them all. May I remind you that these lights are 50 feet apart. I even hit a cross walk light where people were crossing to the muni station! That’s not even a normal intersection light! It’s for pedestrians! I even stopped at a green light! Some woman decided to take her sweet ass time to cross the damn crosswalk in front of me when the crosswalk light had the red hand up. I really wished the hand was flippin’ her off for being an idiot. Good grief!

So, I get home and eat some soggy potato wedges with some soggy chicken tenders – with Cholula! Let me tell you though, these were the best damn, soggy, potato wedges and soggy chicken tenders I’ve ever had in my life.